BREAKING NEWS:

AUGUSTA, MAINE - Maine Governor Paul LePage (R-Maine) stunned Mainers on Thursday by announcing the official cancellation of Labor Day statewide.  All Mainers, will be expected to turn up to their jobs on the first Monday in September for the first time since 1878.  Labor Day is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers, something that Paul LePage says has been celebrated long enough.

“It’s a small change that we hope will level the playing field for business,” Dan Demeritt, spokesman for the Governor noted, “There isn’t a ‘Corporation Day,’ there wont be a Labor Day, simple as that.”  LePage noted that all School Districts now must start classes prior to September 1st to ensure Maine’s teachers and educators aren’t “getting an easy ride.”

According to Demeritt, the Governor decided to keep Martin Luther King Jr. Day as a holiday despite a anonymous fax he received calling it a holiday for “less than one tenth of one percent of the State.”   Democrats, however, speculated that LePage opted to keep the January holiday honoring one of America’s greatest civil rights leaders after his nationally publicized spat with the NAACP.

“The people of Marden’s will be at work on Labor Day, and now thousands of Maine workers will join them in a show of solidarity by working their own jobs too,” Demeritt said.  “This Governor will not rest until all Mainers are working retail for low wages and no benefits just like his employees at Marden’s.  That is one promise Paul will keep”

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